Many triggers are directly linked to early relational patterns — especially inconsistent caregiving. If a child grew up unsure whether a parent would meet their emotional needs, they may develop hypervigilance as a coping mechanism. With time and effort, many people move toward what’s known as earned secure attachment — a healthier, more stable way of relating to others.
If the tips above don’t offer enough relief or you’d like to go deeper in your self-exploration, it might be worthwhile to explore talking to a therapist, mental health professional, or coach. Remember, while it’s important to be able to self-soothe, if your anxiety reaches a level that becomes unmanageable or a hindrance in your day to day life, you may want to consider other options. A psychologist, psychiatrist, or anxious attachment style coach (like me!) will help you do just that. Having an anxious attachment style means you often worry about being abandoned or not being loved enough.
I’m Madeleine Phelan, a licensed therapist with expertise in attachment theory and relational dynamics. Over the years, I’ve worked with many individuals like this client, helping them understand and heal from attachment anxiety. In this piece, I’ll share therapist-approved strategies to help you heal your anxious attachment style and move toward more secure relationships. Whether you’re just beginning your journey or looking to deepen your healing, these strategies will guide you toward more healthy boundaries and confident, balanced connections.
Additionally, couples therapy can help address relational dynamics contributing to your anxiety. While both the anxious and avoidant partners fall on the insecure end of the attachment spectrum, their needs are opposite. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style need a lot of space and autonomy. This need is scary to an individual with an anxious Koreadates.com attachment style. Those who have an anxious attachment style need a lot of closeness and reassurance.
- Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, I know these tips have the power to transform your life.
- However, the difference is how someone with a secure style responds in comparison to how someone with an anxious attachment style does.
- They may have doubts that the other person loves them or wants to spend time with them.
- They crave intimacy but simultaneously remain anxious about whether their emotional needs will be met.
Practice Mindful Communication
To move from a place of hypervigilance and pursuit to one of genuine, grounded connection. The effects of anxious attachment are not limited to romantic relationships. In friendships, individuals with this attachment style may become overly dependent on their friends for emotional support, often feeling insecure about the stability of the relationship. They may worry that their friends are distancing themselves or abandoning them, even when there’s no real evidence of such. Healing anxious attachment requires patience, self-awareness, and consistent effort.
As you cultivate security, begin to recognize and disrupt these patterns so you can relate more authentically. When experiencing negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support, and kindness you did not receive as a child. Keep a running list of personal accomplishments – big or small—and review it whenever you feel inadequate. Instead of reacting right away, pause and try to identify the trigger.
The anxious partner does not get what they want with the fight, and their need for closeness, intimacy, and love only grows larger. Dr. Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Good Enough says that narcissistic mothers are especially distant and make their children particularly insecure when it comes to receiving love. Narcissistic mothers are more likely to raise anxious children, says McBridge offering this popular movie scene as an example. The current literature agrees that our attachment is part of genes, past life experiences, and part parental behavior.
In time, though, the avoidant person withdraws in order to cope, which triggers the hypersensitive anxious person to ask for reassurance and seek to restore closeness. This hyper-vigilance triggers the avoidant partner to withdraw further. Before they know it, the pair are trapped in a dynamic that only intensifies the triggers in one another. It’s rarer, but sometimes the anxious attachment style pulls away instead of moving closer. I give a few examples of pulling away in my article on the biggest mistakes women do in dating.
Recognize that your anxiety about their lack of communication is triggering an automatic negative assumption. Anxious adults often hold negative self-views combined with positive yet apprehensive views of their attachment figures. This is likely not due to genetic factors; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations. The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver, sending mixed signals. Healing involves diversifying your energy across other areas of life, such as other friends, colleagues, and personal interests or hobbies. Some people find techniques like naming five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, etc., useful to get out of your head.
In everyday therapeutic sessions, you need more than theory alone to get to the root of unresolved trauma to help yourself and others heal. Like all of us, avoidants desire love and intimacy… but they experience extreme discomfort asking others for help or trying to express what they need in a relationship. An All-Access Pass gives you even more savings as well as all the relationship and emotional support you need for life. Get personal development tips, recommendations, and exciting news every week.
If you’d like to learn more about how anxiety affects relationships and the various types of anxiety disorders, check out our educational blogs page. Practicing positive psychology can help you to build upon your strengths, increase your self-esteem, and improve your relationships. If you tend toward anxiety, you may feel compelled to “fix” your partner’s withdrawal or mood swings to soothe your own discomfort.
Face The Fear Of Abandonment
Having a partner who has a secure attachment style can facilitate emotional closeness and a sense of calmness and stability for the anxiously attached. This could help to shift their perception and develop new patterns of thinking and behavior. To fully understand anxious attachment styles, it helps to know the basics about other common attachment patterns.
Anxiously attached adults were taught as children to expect that the important people in their lives will abandon or reject them. So, they act hypervigilant towards any threats to their relationships – regardless of whether these threats are real or perceived. Self-soothing for healing the anxious attachment style involves having an awareness of our triggers and emotional responses. For this reason, in this article, we will discuss these triggers and unhealthy responses, as well as provide tips on how to healthily self-soothe anxious attachment emotions.
As noted, an anxious way of attaching may leave someone feeling clingy, desperate, or frequently frustrated. Their mood and happiness may depend on how their partner is feeling, or on finding a partner. They may be attracted to unavailable partners, or unable to recognize security in a positive relationship.
The anxious partner’s pursuit activates the avoidant partner’s need for space; the avoidant partner’s withdrawal activates the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment. The result is a painful cycle of pursuit and withdrawal that can feel impossible to break. For those seeking ongoing support in managing anxious attachment, joining a support group can be a valuable resource. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others who are going through similar challenges. Additionally, there are numerous online resources and workshops designed to help individuals work through attachment issues and build healthier relationships.
We’ll recommend therapists who are licensed to practice in your area. Understand that everyone has insecurities, and it’s okay to seek help. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
It typically develops when childhood caregivers were inconsistently available, teaching the nervous system that love requires constant vigilance. This attachment style develops in childhood and can have lasting effects on adult life. Understanding and managing anxious attachment is crucial for personal growth and fostering stronger connections with others. By recognizing the triggers and developing strategies to address this attachment style, individuals can work toward building healthier, more secure relationships. One of the 8 books I recommend for healing anxious attachment, I found Attached to be a powerful introductory guide to attachment theory for two reasons. First and foremost, if you have an anxious attachment style, reading this book will be like seeing all of your past intimate relationships printed in black ink on white paper.
In romantic relationships, those who struggle with anxious attachment often wonder, “How can I fix my anxious attachment style? ” The key is to focus on emotional regulation, seek out secure partners, and learn how to comfort yourself without relying on others for validation. The anxious attachment style often stems from early experiences where love was present but not always reliable. A parent might have been emotionally available one moment and then distant the next, which can make a child feel anxious about forming connections.
